189 pounds

(THIS POST WAS WRITTEN JAN 29/09)

I’m 189 pounds. I’m not quite as obsessive as Ana-followers, but every time I eat, I feel like a failure. I guess I’m going to be ana-wannabe, but with the power to stop once I lose the weight finally. I’m sure I won’t be getting the respect of full-out Ana-followers, but who cares. I’m writing this blog for the support of anyone and everyone who will accept me and my wishes, and I’m also writing this blog for girls and guys going through a semi-Ana phase.

It’s prolly gonna be a long time before people start paying attention to my entries and leave comments of support and/or hate (btw, non-constructive or negative comments will be deleted. If you don’t like me or what I’m doing, by all means express your feelings…. Just not here.). Oh well. Weight loss can be a super tough journey so it might take longer than the 3 months than I’m expecting, and so my blog might actually build up a fellowing! Yay!

STATS:
Height: 5’5
Weight: 189 pounds
Goal: 125-135 pounds

I know 135 sounds a bit much for a 5’5 girl, but did you know 1 pound of muscle is twice as heavy as fat, yet it only takes up 1/4th the room? I’m 189 pounds but my best friend in the whole world “A” keeps telling me I look 150, max. And I know she’s not exaggerating, because I can see my size myself. I’ve been a runner since the middle school, (I’m 19 now), so I’m positive I have crazy muscle under my thick layer of fat.

ANYWAY, getting back to the 135 pound goal… If I want to look toned, I have to factor in muscle weight. If I want to look rail thin and flabby, I should aim for 95 pounds.

I want to look beautiful and womanly and shapely. I don’t want jutting bones and gaping hollow areas inbetween my bones. That’s ugly. No man will date a Skeletor. Which is kinda why I don’t understand Ana People. I mean.. sure count your calories, and do marathon work-outs, but where’s the limit? To me it seems like they want nothing but bone and skin. No beautiful padded breasts, no ass their boyfriends can pinch.

I don’t know. I’m not an Ana Girl, so I can’t even pretend to understand what real Ana Girls are thinking or how they are suffering. Good luck to them.

If I starve myself, I don’t have to hide it from anyone and put up an exhausting act. I’ve already told my best friend “A”, and she disapproves, but hey, we both need to lose weight, and she gets how frustrating it can be. As for my Dad (he raised me as a single father since I was a baby), he knows I’m frustrated and depressed about my weight. He never, EVER says anything but, “You look fine! Really, I have no idea what you’re talking about.. Overweight? Pfft.” I truly love him for that. I know many people have critical parents who point out every flaw. Luckily, MY parent only does that when I don’t do my chores :P I am very blessed and grateful.

But still, my Dad knows deep down that I am overweight and need to fix myself up. So if I tell him I’m starving myself, he’ll definitely voice his disapproval. Again and again. And again and again and again. But ever since I turned 18, I’ve been saying “I’m an adult now, so I can do what I want. You can’t order me to stop, but you can suggest alternatives.” Of course that irritates him, but it’s true. I need freedom to be my own person.. mistakes and all.

Plan:
6:oo am - Jump on the bus.
7:3o am - Treadmill 20 minutes (140 calories)
- Stairmaster 10 minutes (80 calories)
- Bike 15 minutes (100 calories)
- Do strength training (n/a) {strength training log below}
8:3o am - Shower, change
9:3o am - Go to the library, check email, print reports, etc.
10:2o am - School
7:oo pm - Catch the bus to work
12:oo am - Catch the bus home

I will try this for a week. I plan on eating absolutely nothing. I plan on drinking tea with milk once or twice a day. No carbs whatsoever. Which will be difficult cuz I work at a coffee shop which makes DE-lectible croissants, danishes, and donuts.

Willpower is the key. I have none. But I have a mantra/instruction every time I crave something.

My Fat Belly: "I want fries. Just a couple. 2 or 3 teeny, tiny fries won't hurt."
Me: "Just wait 3 months."

Metabolism: Yeah, my metabolism is slow. I have friends who eat like pregnant ladies but look like two-by-fours. Seriously, it’s so unfair. My metabolism doesn’t turn anything I eat into fat if I’m eating lots of food (even junk food). My body only puts on the pounds when I diet. When I try to starve myself, I go for 1-2 days, (I usually aim for 1 week or 2) but ending up failing miserably by binging like crazy for a couple of days. Then I start the starving thing again and then my will falters and I binge again. So this pattern actually puts on weight.

I gotta finish up some chores before bed, and then I’ll have dinner. Don’t know the calorie content of it, so I’ll just say 500.

Stay Strong! Diet on!

Jenny